Life moves fast. It doesn’t stop when you want it to.
You literally can’t stop any part of it from just moving on.
When someone you love is sick, life changes.
Sometimes, you can feel like you are just in auto mode.
Getting up when the alarm goes off.
Making breakfast, packing lunches, doing laundry, driving the kids here and there, going to soccer games, working and going to church.
You keep moving because that’s what life requires you to do.
So you do what is required of you.
But then sometimes, out of nowhere, it will hit you.
Maybe it’s a song on the radio, maybe it’s a comment someone makes, maybe it’s a picture, maybe it’s an absolutely insignificant nothing.
But when it hits you, it hits you hard.
The feeling of being helpless.
Not hopeless, and there is a huge difference. But helpless.
You want to fix it. You want to make it better. You want to stop it. You want to take the person’s pain.
But you can’t. There is nothing you can do to change it.
The past several months have been filled with such a variety of emotions and even as I am typing now, it’s so hard to hold back the tears.
Part of me doesn’t want to talk about it because I don’t want certain people reading about my life and my struggles.
But part of me wants to say out loud to other people hurting that I feel your pain.
It’s weird really, because I feel selfish even typing the words “I feel your pain.”
I feel nothing. Nothing of the pain that the person I love is feeling. Nothing.
I don’t want to make it seem like I am the one suffering, but what happens is so strange because I hurt but can’t even talk about my hurt to the person who is actually hurting because it’s selfish.
When the person hurting is someone you love so much, they would never ever think that you are being selfish by saying you are hurting. But you still do.
The emotions are crazy and really mess with you. There are a lot of sadness, and then a lot of anger and frustration.
Just keeping it real.
Frustration with the situation and anger with the way things are being done.
And It’s crazy because you can’t talk about those feelings either. Of course.
Again, so selfish. But so real.
The struggles come at any time but it has really hit me lately the lack of importance for all the other things around me that seemed like a bigger deal several months ago at this time:
The friends that walked away.
The old client who booked another photographer instead of me.
The 10 pounds I keep saying I’m going to lose.
And the fact that I just can’t seem to get myself organized.
Because the only thing that I can think about is this person I love who is sick. And I can’t fix it and I can’t change it.
And then I realize that the one thing that is the most effective is the one thing that I feel like isn’t enough.
It’s the one thing that I feel like can’t change things, and can’t bring her near me where I think she belongs.
I know. God says that prayer is powerful and effective.
I know He says that.
Then why do I feel like it’s only used as my last resort?
God knows. Jehovah Shammah
God sees. Jehovah Roi
God provides. Jehovah Jirah
God is peace. Jehovah Shalom
And God heals. Jehovah Rapha
And when someone you love is sick, the very best thing you can do is pray.
You can stop getting upset with other people.
You can stop getting frustrated with doctors.
You can stop feeling helpless and realize that God is there.
God is in complete control, and that is what you have to rest in.
I have to. It’s the only way to survive.
It’s the only way to function.
It’s the only choice I have, because the other choices?
The choice that gets angry. The choice that gets frustrated. The choice that wants to take control, only makes me feel miserable.
So tonight, I am thinking about all of the people who are sick.
And thinking about the pain and suffering people are feeling.
And I am also thinking about all of the people who love someone who is sick.
It’s hard. It really is.
But focusing on the one who is in control is what is going to give such an incredible amount of peace.
The best person to take care of the person you love is God the Father.
He loves and takes better care than I ever could.