Do you ever feel like you can just not keep it all together? Like…how on earth do you keep up with everything? And seriously, don’t you think having to make dinner every night is a little extreme? Today was one of those days for me. I actually woke up when my alarm went off. Got ready for the day. Had a great time with God, wrote in my journal, prayed, ate breakfast, had a cup of coffee, and even managed to get a couple emails out, galleries updated and fill the dishwasher.
It was all downhill from there. I realized how terribly behind I was with homeschooling. And I don’t just mean…oops! I forgot you had that one paragraph to write for tomorrow. It was more like- oops! I never ordered you those THREE books that are vital for completing your entire next semester. And while we’re at it, I hadn’t realized how far behind AJ was in a couple subjects and that Riley had no idea what his presentation was supposed to be on. I just about lost it. I was trying to finish putting together a client’s album and I kept thinking – ok. Just two more minutes. But we all know that nothing ever takes just two minutes (unless it’s our sanity we’re talking about!) The fact that my hands were about to freeze off and I hadn’t had sugar for 4 days may have played into it a bit. I just thought…what am I doing?! And suddenly every single area I was failing in came crashing down on my head. It could be something like I forgot to text someone back (which, OH SHOOT! I totally DID forget to text someone back for real! agh!) to did I remember to put the clothes AJ needs for basketball in the dryer? to I haven’t washed the kitchen floor in I don’t even know how long to Ugh, I think I have to go buy cups for The Porch, to my website got shut down because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to pay another year’s worth. It was literally like the flood gates opened and it was all over for me. AJ was disappointed in himself, I was upset that he was upset because I knew it was all my fault, and Riley gets frustrated with me when I am frustrated with myself. It was not a pretty sight. I just kept thinking…what is wrong with me? Why can’t I just to basic, everyday, mom things! I am pretty even-keeled most of the time, but today it just seemed like everything was going wrong.
The ugly truth of life is that you have to show your kids what it means to live life to the full even when you feel like you’re gonna lose it. The ugly truth of life is that you have to show your kids what it means to have JOY even when you don’t feel joyful. To show love. Even when you don’t feel loving. To show grace and mercy to others, and to yourself. It’s hard sometimes, but it’s just real life, and it’s possible!
And so tomorrow, which is our normal classical conversations day, is going to be a stay-at-home-and-order-books kind of day. It has to be. I have to come to the point where I realize that feeling guilty doesn’t get anyone anywhere. And when I saw AJ’s reaction to himself when we were going through his assignments, I knew that everything had to stop. Satan wants us to feel guilty. To feel worthless. To feel like a failure. Jesus came that I might have life and that I might have it more abundantly. Abundant life? It does not come with those feelings I just mentioned. It comes with feelings of joy, of value, of purpose. And those feelings are way, way better. And it is my responsibility as a mom to make sure that my kids understand those things. I have to make sure that my boys realize the importance of letting things go, of not holding on to guilt and showing grace to themselves.
So maybe I have blown it in some areas the last couple of months. It’s ok. Maybe my kitchen floor is filthy, my clean laundry is laying in a heap on the floor and 12 people are mad at me because I haven’t responded to their texts yet. It’s ok. I still have to move on and show my kids that God shows grace. And I am so thankful He does. Grace. That’s it. He shows grace to me, I show grace to others. My kids need to learn to do the same. Feelings come and go and we need to learn how to live life the way God wants us to regardless of those feelings.
What about you? Do you have some ugly truths in your life? Got some dirty laundry? Literally?! ha! I know that we all do. Just trying to keep it real here. Do yourself a favor and show yourself some grace tonight. You will feel much better when you do!