That little part that whispers

When you have been hurt by people, there is going to be a little part of you that always wonders. Always questions. Always doubts.

There is always that little part that whispers… She is probably talking bad about me. or, she will end up stabbing me in the back, Or, She will be one more person who walks out of my life with no remorse, leaving me wondering if we were ever really friends at all. When things like that happen, I find myself trying as hard as I can to remember what I ever opened up about to her and wondering if she will use it against me. Then I find myself shielding myself. Holding back. Not really ever opening up to the next person because of the fear that it will happen again. And it’s not like it happened once. Not even twice or three times. When it starts happening over and over? You start to think it’s you. You start to think there is something wrong with you.

And then I question. Is it wrong to not trust people? Is it a sin? Am I doing something wrong because I say that I don’t need anyone else. Just my family is fine, thank-you-very-much.

But then God. God does things and gives you gifts and allows you to trust a little bit here and a little bit there. He puts people in your life that you are convinced you don’t need, because you are fine. Just perfectly fine. And you tell yourself you aren’t going to let yourself get hurt again. You aren’t going to let yourself end up questioning everything your life is all about just because of one person. You can’t and you won’t. And God just quietly throws people at you. Sometimes it feels like it’s literally that way. He throws people into your life that remind you of something.

Just because some people hurt you, doesn’t mean all people hurt you.

And this simple little sentence has been constantly brought back to mind time and time again over the past few years.

Just because some people hurt you, doesn’t mean all people hurt you. I know I just said it, but it bears repeating, because with each new person that comes into my life, with each new opportunity to open up a little bit more, come those doubts. Those fears. That whisper of lies that this girl will be no different than the last…even if she swears she won’t be.

And sometimes? The face of the past hurts shows itself on the face of the new potential friend. And that is just ugly. And not in the least bit fair. Being afraid of trusting someone doesn’t feel good. I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt. I prefer to assume the good in people. And in reality? What does it really hurt? My feelings? My emotions?

I choose to let it make me stronger. I choose to find peace in the fact that Jesus directs my steps. He doesn’t allow anything into my life that can’t be used for good.

So many times, over and over I have tried to tell God that I don’t need anyone else. I am just fine. Perfectly fine.

But then God. God knows me better than I know myself, and He gives me gifts of friends I was convinced I didn’t need. So thank you. Thank you to those girls in my life who I can’t even imagine living without. I would have missed out on so many laughs. So many prayers. So many encouraging, uplifting, incredible people if I had let the past control my future. I can take what happened to me in the past, and use it to make me feel even more strongly about being a loyal friend.

The way God gives gifts…it kind of blows me away. Being hurt by a person here, and a person there – it stings. But when you just trust God, just let him work…He gives you blessings a million times over.

*Shout out to all my homegirls. You know who you are. You all have made my life better than I thought it ever could be.

And today… I walked around and saw the beautiful reminder of an incredible creator who made this beautiful earth. This God who is my Father, and puts so much thought into the colors of the world, but He puts even more thought into me.

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